I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
