i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
