I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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