i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
