now i know why i became what i already was.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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