Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
