yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
