I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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