And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
My dick has a subreddit
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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