If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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