Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Randomize
