I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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