I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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