Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
