She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
