my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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