I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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