I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
