So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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