no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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