i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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