mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
