Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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