I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
