Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
