After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
We had sex on a dog bed..
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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