Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
