you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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