My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
