so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Sext me about skeletons
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
