I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
