The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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