Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
