Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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