just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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