got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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