If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Randomize
