no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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