I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
