totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My pussy is not your playground.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
