I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
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