No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
