Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
