the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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