I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
