i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
