It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize