im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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