At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
this will be a night to untag.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
