It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
